


Control

by CruelBeauty



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-09 09:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18635599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CruelBeauty/pseuds/CruelBeauty
Summary: The worst part of it all was that he knew Yuuri didn’t blame him.For some reason, despite the fact the alcohol and food was what he was actively hating about himself that was where he also found his relief. Isn’t life ironic like that.





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> So eating disorders, self hatred, and alcoholism are mentioned throughout. If this is triggering DO NOT READ THIS. Thanks.

The worst part of it all was that he knew Yuuri didn’t blame him.

For some reason, despite the fact the alcohol and food was what he was actively hating about himself that was where he also found his relief. Isn’t life ironic like that.

Viktor tipped the bottle back and finished the last of the wine from the bottle, the soft burn going down his throat. That was one of the first signs things were going bad. 5 percent alcohol stopped burning, then 10, than 15, now he is at 20 and he doesn’t feel it. The handful of chips became three than a whole bag then two bags. Maybe he just has an addictive personality? Looking back he wished someone would have warned him. That he had been a little smarter. Hadn’t ever thought how easy it would be to press his fingers to the back of his throat.

Viktor looked down the center of the bottle to make sure there wasn’t any left before carefully standing to his feet and dumping the bottle into the trash with the other few from the past couple days. He turned towards the fridge and checked his reflection, swaying slightly on his feet. He pressed a hand up against the door to steady himself as he inspected. God his hair had gotten gross, didn’t he shower like on a Monday, what was that, two days ago? He swayed to the side to look at the calendar, shit that was over a week ago.

He ran a hand throw the greasy strands which ended up slicking them back in a tragic greaser style. He looked down at himself and frowned. His shirt was covered in an orange tinge, probably from the Cheetos he had been eating. He needs to change clothes too.

Carefully Viktor walked to the bathroom and turned on the water to heat while he undressed. He threw the pile of clothes into the corner and stood in front of the floor length mirror. Wow, he definitely has started to gain a bit of weight, mostly in the stomach and hips it would seem. Viktor pulled the scale hidden behind the sink and stepped onto it and tried to suppress the small gasp that came out. Had he really gained 30 pounds? Why hadn’t Yuuri said anything? Maybe he had? Then again Yuuri has always been much too sweet to ever say something about someone’s appearance like their weight. To be fair beer is known to cause a beer belly. Is that what he had now?

Viktor turned to create a side profile. It wasn’t that drastic yet but it was certainly getting close. When had he let himself become such a fat piece of shit. Viktor sighed and stepped into the warm water just as he heard the front door open. He couldn’t even lose enough weight to skate. What a loser.

Yuuri opened the door and was pleasantly surprised to hear Viktor taking a shower, it definitely was going on over a week at this point. He was starting to smell and look greasy, like a deep fried fish dredged in alcohol. Frankly, Yuuri was running out of ideas. Viktor had kinda just spiralled? It has started off complicated and ended such.

In what Yuuri can only describe as a series of unfortunate events Viktor turned to drinking to cope. When he returned to skating he found he had put on quite a bit of weight. Which then Yakov very strictly told him to remove quickly. And when he couldn’t remove it fast enough he turned to, unhealthy habits.

He lost the weight quickly but then it just all got bad. He would eat everything in sight then throw it up. Time and time again. For weeks. Never keeping anything down for weeks. Which then also somehow resulted in him losing weight before then gaining more weight.

Despite Yuuri’s begging Viktor thought he could handle it on his own. He discovered the only time he could keep food down was when he drank. That led to where he was now. He was eating, unhealthily, but eating. And drinking almost all the time. And when he didn’t drink he threw up.

Yuuri didn’t know what to do. He tried to get Viktor to see a therapist or an eating specialist, and he wouldn’t. He eventually had to stop skating due to a mixture of being drunk, overweight, weak, and tired. He felt so powerless to help Viktor. Yuuri heard the water turn off and quickly wiped the tears that had slipped down his cheeks.

He began chopping things for a dinner that was either going to be eaten in excess or not at all. Yuuri didn’t know which one he preferred. 

Viktor emerged a few minutes later in a clean t-shirt that clung to his stomach and his hair wet but brushed. “Hi, Viktor. How was your shower?”

Viktor walked over, clearly still a bit drunk. “Yuuuuri, I am so glad you are back. And it was.... I just. I have gotten so fat Yuuri. I am such a fat fuck. Why would you let me get like this? How do you still like me?” Viktor said before starting to cry and cling to Yuuri.

Yuuri sighed, he hated trying to talk to Viktor when he was this drunk. “Viktor. You are always beautiful. I don’t mind if you gain or lose weight. As long as you're healthy. And Viktor this isn’t it. I don’t mind if you gain weight from just snacking too much or if you just stop working out, but Viktor. You are binging or purging every meal. You have no energy. You are drunk all the time. Viktor, you are killing yourself.” Yuuri said, his throat choking him up. It hurts him so much to see Viktor like this.

Viktor just listened quietly against Yuuri’s shoulder where he had buried his face. “Yuuri. I don’t know what to do anymore.” He said it so softly Yuuri almost couldn’t hear him.

“Viktor, you need help. You need to see someone. You can’t handle this on your own and I am not equipped enough to help you. You have to understand that. I love you too much to see you destroying yourself like this. Please Viktor.”

“Yuuri, I can’t. It is fine. I’ll fix this. By myself.” Viktor tried to assure him.

Yuuri pulled himself away from Viktor angrily. “No, Viktor. You can’t. You are destroying us. You are. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t watch you kill yourself. I need- I need to go. I am sorry. I’m, I am not giving up on us but I think I need to be alone for a bit.” Yuuri said as tears rolled down his cheeks. He never thought it would come to this.

Viktor watched as the love of his life began packing, and didn’t say a word. There were paragraphs waiting to escape his mouth, about how he would do anything for Yuuri. And yet, he didn’t know if he could do this. If he could give it all up. He tried. He tried for a week to eat normal regular consistent meals, it felt impossible. It made the resulting failure that much worse.

He wanted to walk into the bedroom and promise Yuuri everything, they would be hollow promises though. And that seems worse than anything else he could do.

Instead Viktor just sobbed against the counter as Yuuri left the bedroom with a suitcase in hand. He didn’t stop crying, even when Yuuri was trying to give him a kiss goodbye. He didn’t end up stopping crying until many hours later when the apartment was empty and all that was left was Viktor and his own self loathing.

Viktor went to a cold bed that night and tossed and turned for hours before falling into a fitful sleep. He awoke hours later, the memories of last night hazy and feeling like a dream. “Good morning, Yuuri.” Viktor called before turning over before noticing the bed was empty. It was only then the cold dread grabbed his heart and he was reminded of what happened last night. It felt like the air was taken from his lungs.

He immediately stumbled from the bed towards the fridge to grab a bottle of rum before recoiling in disgust. That is what caused Yuuri to leave him, and yet, it is what he wants most. Viktor reached out and grabbed the bottle, gently, like it might break. What is he really willing to do for Yuuri? Can he really give this all up? Get the help he needs?

Yuuri decided to stay in a hotel down the road. He couldn’t really just leave. Things with him and Viktor weren’t done….were they? Yuuri had intended him leaving to cause Viktor to seek help but Yuuri suddenly got the horrible thought he might not. That he truly might be too far gone. That this was all truly the end. That thought was so frightening he didn’t even want to consider it for too long. He couldn’t lose his Vitya. His real Vitya. The one that wasn’t perpetually glassy eyed and throwing up in the bathroom.

Yuuri wrapped his arms around himself and rolled onto his side in the bed and tried to slow his breathing. He was not going to have an anxiety attack.

He would just need to see what happens. Either Viktor gets the help he needs or… Yuuri will start a new life. One without Vitya. As weird and frankly terrible as it sounds. Viktor is his everything. His carefree attitude, his bright laughter, his hidden intelligence, his dedication. All of it.

In the meantime, he just needs to continue with his normal day, his normal life.

Viktor managed one drink before collapsing on the floor and throwing the bottle at the wall, leaving a perfect indent to always remind him of his failure. Viktor grabbed at his knees and cried in a ball on the floor. He was going to fix this, fix himself.

Yuuri tried not to worry, not think about the distinct lack of text messages on his phone. It had only been a couple days but he worried. So much. He just kept imagining Viktor dead on the floor. Eventually he forced himself to send a short message inquiring about his states.

Viktor has sent a short reply back, basically just reassuring him he was alive and he wanted to meet up in about a week. That at least eased some of the pressure on his heart.

The week waiting was torturous. The hotel bed was lonely and cold. The lack of Viktor very real. The stress about Viktor also very real. In a week it was going to be official whether or not Viktor was going to make changes or if they were really done. And that was terrifying.

They agreed to meet at their apartment, figuring things might get a little emotional to have at a coffee shop. Yuuri arrived at his, no their door, so nervous he almost couldn’t breathe. Should he knock? Was that weird?

Eventually Yuuri decided to just use his key to unlock the door. The sight before him making him almost drop to his knees.

The lights were dimmed, two plates of dinner on the table, roses littered across the room, and Viktor in a clean button up and dress pants standing in the center of the room. “Yuuri. I wanna get better.” Viktor cooed gently before reaching his arms out for a hug that Yuuri immediately went into.

“Viktor, Viktor, what does this mean?” Yuuri said with his face pressed against his shoulder. Breathing in the familiar scents.

“You are it for me, Yuuri. I need you. I can’t live without you. I am getting help. I talked with a therapist everyday this week. I will do this. I thought I needed the alcohol and the food but God- at the end of the day you are the only thing I truly need. It, it won’t be easy, I know that, but I will do it. As long as I get to come home to you every day.”

Yuuri started crying tears of joy and clung so tightly to Viktor he thought he would break him.

“Viktor.” Yuuri tried to say but struggled to get out.

Viktor smoothed his hand over Yuuri’s hair and rested a hand gently on the back of his neck. “I know, baby. I am so sorry. So sorry. Things happened so fast. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. I am so sorry. I will be better. I will get better. I promise. I love you so much.” Viktor said gently, his cheek resting against the top of Yuuri’s head.

“I love you too.” Yuuri mumbled against him as Viktor just held him close.

“I will get better. We will get better. Now come on, let me spoil you. I made Katsudon for you.”

At that Yuuri looked at him questioningly. “Ah- and some white rice and broccoli for me. My therapist said I need to eat small consistent meals that are low in calories.” Viktor explained, nervously rubbing his hands together.

At his explanation Yuuri beamed. “Oh Viktor, I am so so proud of you. You can do this. We will get through this together. I will support you anyway you need.”

“Oh Yuuri.” Vitkor started, love laced in his tone. “Just keep being you.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, I have been handling some things in my life not so well. And writing is my way to talk about it. So here. Take this. If you find yourself with an eating disorder, self hate, or suffering with alcoholism please reach out and get help.
> 
> I also felt like it was weird all eating disorder fics in this fandom only have Yuuri with one. I feel like anyone is susceptible under the right circumstances so I wanted Viktor to be the one dealing with it.


End file.
